There’s something about our culture that just craves an either or. Wants to place everything into “neat” categories. You’re either in or you’re out. A sinner or a saint. A good person or a bad one. (Those of you who read this article already know that’s baloney.)
This ideology has also infiltrated our concepts of love. As though we could limit the omnipotent force of love.
You have likely heard the belief that we either make decisions based in fear or love. With this, there comes the implication that if you are making decisions from a place of fear then you are certainly not “doing it right.” Then comes the dreaded cycles of avoidance or submission. Either you try to stay away from anything labeled fear at all costs, or you give in and allow yourself to be the fearful human you always knew you were. One of these leads to bypass and the other likely to shame.
Neither lead to freedom. Neither to more love.
As we heal the separations of the past 5,000 years and move toward a more holistic model, we start to realize that reality is much more layered and nuanced than we have been lead to believe. That the real paradigm is both / and, rather than either / or.
Instead of trying to completely eliminate large swaths of existence, we can actually start to change our relationship to it. Figure out how to move forward, together.
From what I understand, we cannot get rid of our fear. We cannot “kill” our ego. And even if we could this would put us in a dangerous position. Without fear we have no indication of what might be harmful to us. Without our ego we have no way to relate to the world, and that includes knowing when a car is coming as we are trying to cross the street.
The love or fear dilemma is a fallacy, but it does touch on a hint of truth. That truth being that when love, partnered with awareness, leads then we start to grow in ways and dimensions previously unknown to us. More layers of reality are revealed to us. We become more omniscient and resilient.
So how do we do this?
Basically we have to know ourselves more intimately and relate to ourselves more lovingly. When we start to feel the pangs of fear arise, instead of running or succumbing, we can turn toward. Become the loving caregiver of yourself.
Ask your fear what it wants to tell you, and it will tell you. Maybe ask it how old it is or where it experienced its first hurt. You will find out that instead of an overarching emotion of fear, you are actually interspersed with different versions of you who have had a variety of experiences. They each have something different to share and say.
Sometimes the fear is valid and can actually lead you to making a more informed decision. Sometimes the fear was legitimate at one point in time, but cannot assist you in the present moment. If that is the case, lovingly let it know that you appreciate the support and explain why you will be moving differently this time.
Do not abandon your fear. Do not let it feel like you have forgotten it.
This is how the fear hides in places that we cannot see, guiding our lives in ways that are compelling yet undetectable. Speak gently to your fear, as you would a friend, child, or trusted advisor. Let it know you love it. That you value what it has to say.
This is how our frequency grows.
We can’t ever get rid of anything. That’s not how life on this planet works. Things may hide or transform, but will not disappear.
Our most healthy option is to choose to face our fears. Letting ourselves grow more vast. We become more powerful when we integrate the various parts of our being.
Maybe the fear stays in its same shape, but it will also stay the same size, as you grow spiritually bigger. But maybe the fear transforms. Love has a way of touching things and transmuting them into something else. Much like the earth, love can recycle energy and turn it into something new. Something beneficial we can work with.
The beauty of love is that it is curious. It is open to the mystery. It does not seek to have everything neatly packaged into categorical boxes. Love trusts its own wisdom and co-creates along with life.
Sometimes that means linking arms with its friend fear to stand up for a cause, love someone through an illness, or open to a relationship one more time.
Because fear is part of what makes us human. It’s what connects us to all living beings — present, past, and future. Much like love, it is an energy we can tap into and understand which gives us much greater depth to our experience and compassion.
So the next time someone tries to give you the ultimatum of choosing love or fear, ask what they have to gain from you splitting off from a part of yourself. An ancient part that has kept you and your ancestors alive for millennia.
Love wants all of you. A denial of nothing. Temperance perhaps. Transmutation on occasion. Love wants you to be as powerful as you can be.