For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere it is Winter. A time of hibernation and rest. Dark nights and warm drinks. Slow movement and lots of space.
Or at least, that’s how it should be.
Many folks tend to struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression that is thought to be related to winter. Winter is a time when we are less exposed to the sun, a great source for helping us to produce serotonin, that beautiful happiness chemical. It seems to make some sense that we would feel more slow, tired, and down when melatonin (the sleep-related hormone) is produced in greater quantities during this darker period of the year.
From this perspective, perhaps we aren’t really depressed or “have SAD” but instead we just need to tend to our body’s natural tendencies. It’s only the past 100 years that has required us to work year round, with electricity to power us through longer days. I know that it’s not possible for us to all quit our jobs or lessen our hours during these shorter days, but it could be possible. If we all wanted it.
Then there is depression. A word that evokes fear in some and represents a message from our soul to others. While this condition can be hereditary and require medical attention, there is also a type of depression that comes to alert us to a need for change. It is a sign of an energetic imbalance, and it can invite us to restructure our lives in healthier ways.
Everything is energy, and we are energy beings. This is why energy-workers focus on bringing people back into a healthy homeostasis. If we are giving too much and not receiving enough, our souls will let us know it. Whether it be relationships, jobs, or certain activities the body will respond to energy leaks in a similar way. Depression may be signaling to you that there is something that needs to be let go of, something that is no longer giving in the way that it once was.
Finally, we have the “Dark Night of the Soul.” Before we discuss this, I want to say, it is possible to be moving through all of these at the same time. Or perhaps they are co-occurring in some cases. We are multi-dimensional beings who operate on many levels at once. It is possible to have two or more things be true at the same time. My intention is not to categorize or pathologize. Instead, I am trying to create a gradient of language which can hopefully help create a map for our experience.
And it’s always important to remember the map is not the territory.
I remember my first dark night of the soul, which actually led me to seeking out therapy for the the first time in my life. It was so big and all encompassing; it was terrifying and I had no idea what was happening or why. Nothing seemed to spark joy anymore, there was no desire to do anything besides lie down and cry. Although I was an atheist at the time, I remember hearing an internal voice saying to me that I would make it through this. I remember not caring if I lived or died.
My therapist diagnosed me with “mild depression” and put me on SSRIs.
But this was only part of the picture. The SSRIs did help me create a space to rest in. I remember having a lack of depth in feeling, but I think I was also released from the incessant anxiety that had plagued me my whole life. It gave me an opportunity to see that there could be another way for my brain and body to be.
However, there was also something in me that went from, “Nothing matters :( ,” to “Nothing matters :) !” I had a spiritual epiphany which released me from the conditioned ways of thinking. At 21, my consciousness was almost completely molded by the society around me. After this point, I would start to take a more active role in this process.
I started releasing myself from useless and harmful societal norms. I broke free of ideals that were limiting the possibility of my precious human life. Things that were making me sick or not bringing me joy were discarded. My life became an experiment to find out what made me really come alive. From the rubble, I started to build something new.
Right now, I am undergoing a “mini” dark night. One of lesser intensity than the one I had back at age 20. Much, much, much less. But it is still murky and strange, requiring of me time and space to just exist without having to be anything.
Sometimes, folks think they might be depressed, a condition to fix or do something about — when actually they might be enduring a dark night of the soul. During this period our souls are sort of breaking apart. I call it the amorphous goo. It’s like the chrysalis period for the caterpillar before it becomes the butterfly.
When everything starts to lose its meaning or no longer brings us joy, it might not actually mean anything is “wrong.” What it might actually be signifying is a period of soul growth and change. It’s hard to relate to anything when we have no place to stand, no point of reference to come from.
During these periods of time we need a lot of space and slowness. Time staring at the ceiling with no objectives. Crying spontaneously about “nothing.” This is the body’s way of processing the changes happening at a soul level.
While a dark night doesn’t have to coincide with winter, it seems like a really appropriate time for this to happen. In the Wheel of the Year, we have the sabbat Imbolc which happens around the first week of February every year. The word Imbolc means “in the belly,” and it makes sense that we would be undergoing change much like a baby being formed in the belly.
Similar to when a baby is in the belly, there really isn’t much for us to do besides let nature take its course. Ideally, we care for ourselves and create really nourishing and beautiful conditions for growth, but there is nothing we have to do to make it happen.
And we can’t make it happen any faster.
This is a question that comes to me often when people are struggling with something like the dark night of the soul. They will ask me, “How long will this last?” I can never say, because the timing is different for everyone and letting ourselves wait as we midwife this process that is actually quite important. Unlike the machines that update in minutes or hours, we are still nature and spirit. We require timing and presence that our mechanical tools do not. We are more much more vast and complex, existing in many dimensions beyond this physical one.
It will always end, and perhaps in our resistance we actually prolong the experience. We have to let go and let the feelings move through us.
Let yourself release what is no longer serving you. Let nature turn you into something new, more vast and expansive. Let the sorrow carve caverns deep into your heart so that they can be filled with immense wells of love.
So the next time you are starting to notice that you are feeling down, depleted, or lacking joy maybe there isn’t anything “wrong” with you. Instead, maybe you are being called to transform into something new. A version of yourself more fulfilled and grander than you can imagine.