The you you are today is the fruiting body of your past self?
What you think, feel, love, and know right now is the result of all your past choices and all the experiences you have had over the course of your life. There are also influences including what you have inherited from your ancestors and the culture you live in. But for those of us with means, perhaps the most important tool we have to craft our own life is appropriate attention and care. With these we can exert more influence over who we become, rather than allowing the whims of fate and habit to mold our existence.
I remember when I was about 25, listening to the teacher speak at our local Buddhist temple. She said, “As you grow older, whatever you are, the more of it you become.” Those words sunk deep into the layers of my being. My future self was waiting for me to pick up and tend to the pieces of my life.
Thinking back on who I was then it seems miraculous that I have become who I am today. I suffered with anxiety, body dysmorphia, and an inability to really access my emotions. My mind would constantly roll around with fear about the decisions I was making, not knowing if I was headed in the “right” direction. I tried my best to live up to the standards that society had made for me while simultaneously also trying to deconstruct the beliefs I had learned along the way.
Somehow, some part of me knew there was a different way. That I didn’t have to live like this. Luckily life would show me a doorway, a glimmer of light. A yoga class I was invited to. Or a spiritual text that was suggested to me. An opportunity to engage in deeper study of myself as I move through the world. I would take the offering and discover a pathway. Finding a road that started to lead me out of the darkness.
I am proud of my younger self for taking the “small” (there really is no such thing as small), daily (the only time we ever have) steps toward a more full-bodied life. One that was centered in heart and wisdom and trust and connection. She committed to a daily meditation practice, to discovering what was important to her, and uncovering what actually makes a human life happy and full.
Each day, a new opportunity to choose. Each year, becoming more aligned with what would make me feel more alive.
Over lunch today, chatting with someone I love, we discussed how lost and broken we once were. In a society that does not value elders, we had to traverse the wilderness somewhat alone. Thankfully there are a few who forged the way before us. Fortunately we found others like ourselves to roam along with. We said, “Look at us now! Who knew!” Offering love and support to the girls we once were, proud of who they have become.
Nothing ever really goes away, the energy is just transformed into something new. Everyday is a chance to lean in more to the life you want to create. Where you are now didn’t happen overnight, where you are going won’t either. Regardless of how you spend your time, in five years then five years will have passed. Where would you like to go? Who would you like to be? What do your surroundings look like? And who would you like to have around?
There are no quick-fixes and there are no shortcuts, but there are daily habits that when added up create an entirely new reality.
Sometimes when I look around I recognize how different my life is to where it once was. Everything I longed for — peace, contentment, love, beauty, and friendship — is now my daily norm. I am still young. I may have many years ahead of me. I am curious to see how else life will ebb and flow, and how much more deep, rich, and textured these experiences will become.
Every day I wake up and I gently check in with myself. What is important to me today? How can I move with love? I think of the elder witch I aspire to be when I grow up. I wonder how she would like me to spend my days. It is a simple practice, but one that brings me back into alignment. One that helps me cultivate the soil of my future self.
She is coming regardless. The old me will pass away as well. I don’t know what the future holds, but I think I know the ground upon which it rests.
As you move through the periods of death and decay within your emotional, spiritual, and mental body, how do you nurture the new you that you are becoming? What is the fruiting body you would like to see? You don’t need to know the whole picture, that seems pretty stale to me anyway. All you need is a glimmer of hope, a flutter in your heart, a rush of energy when doing what you love.
Connect into yourself, let your closest ancestor help you guide the way.